Hi, all. Any readers of my blog will notice I’ve been absent for….a long, long time. I figured instead of contining to neglect this space, I would go into the reasons why and help you get to know me a bit more intimately. Whether you like it or not, here comes the deep stuff.
I haven’t written lately because every post started out angry. Really angry. These last three years have been full of changes and challenges, some of them not the most fun. And after years of dealing with some of these challenges, against my wishes, I’ve become something of an embittered person.
I am an insulin-dependent diabetic. Many of you know of this disease, but unless you or someone close to you is diabetic, the extent of what you know reaches cake jokes and fat guys in their 50s. I had a good upbringing with homecooked meals, limited fast food, and moderation in junk. I worked out with my dad from the time I was twelve, and dieted frequently even through high school. Yeah, I was a chubby kid, but I didn’t binge eat Oreos until I puked. Not once.
On second thought, maybe once. Who doesn’t love Oreos? (This is a joke. I loathe vomiting and would never push myself to that point with any food. No matter how mouth-gasmic I find it.)
You see, what I described above doesn’t exactly fit your impression of the type 2 diabetic stereotype, does it? Must not have fit for six or more different doctors either, because when I started going to them for blurred vision, weight fluctuation, and general feeling of unwellness, I was told I was just overweight and should try to eat right. Bitterness point number one: the doctor who finally did diagnose me at 24 said I’d probably been fighting it for years. And multiple professionals missed it.
So what, I guess. I was diagnosed at 24 and I’m now 27. So what I went years of blacking out due to what I know now were high sugar episodes. Alcohol could do it. So could a large bowl of pasta (if coupled with stress, soda, etc, of course. It’s never just one thing and I really loved soda.)
I stopped seeing doctors almost 5 years before my eventual diagnosis. During that time, my weight ballooned, I felt awful all the time, and other physical symptoms I might be brave enough to detail in a later blog plagued me constantly. Bitterness point number two: for a long, long time I had a quality of life that made death truly seem the more appealing option. Truly. And you know what that does to you mentally?
Well, it brings me to point number three. Diabetes affects everything. Diabetes. Affects. EVERYTHING. I have to see twelve different specialists from everything to my eyes to my feet. I’m not even 30, and I envy how well some people double my age or more feel in their bodies. I suffer constant back and neck pain, slow healing, the inability to eat what I want when I want, and of course there’s the five shots and four pills I get to take daily. And that’s on a good day. I was undiagnosed for so long that I don’t feel “normal” if my blood sugar dips below 300. Typical healthy range is from about 80-120. I have to be more than double the high side of normal to feel like I can function. And that’s killing me.
I haven’t posted because all of the above things keep leaking into everything. As pervasive as diabetes is within my body, it’s becoming just as bad in my mind. So as of the beginning of 2015, I decided to make a change.
The change isn’t for me. Another problem with this disease from where I sit with it is that I don’t care for me anymore. I want to, and maybe I’ll get there somewhere down the line. I know it’s wrong, I know there’s so much to live for. I have goals and love and an amazing circle. But part of me still just sits there, thinking with complete apathy that I don’t care if this kills me. When getting better comes with headaches, nausea, exhaustion, dizziness, inability to think or function, and so much pain you don’t know how you can even walk, it seems like a better option to just let it go. But there’s someone I care about much more than myself, and for him I’m going to try. For him, I create worlds and sing songs and take those pills and fill those syringes. For him I take the chance that each day can be better than the next and each step toward control of diabetes can lead me to a better quality of life. For him I will let go of the bitterness. He didn’t cause it, and he doesn’t deserve for that to be a shadow that invades my interactions with him. For him I will choose consciously to stay and live even when that new part of me insists I’m doing things the hard way. So with this update, I begin taking the chance to improve my life, and make it a long one worth living.
Future updates will include what I think is important. This may be diabetes information to go along with book updates and other things from my life. If you are a reader or a follower, I appreciate your presence with me along this journey. It is never too late or too early to make a change for the better.